Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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