would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
