I can text with my tongue
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
