Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
