I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
