You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
