YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
