She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
