he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
