i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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