Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
