I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
