I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I enjoy the company of your penis
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
