Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
