The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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