i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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