Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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