Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think a kid would responsible me up
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
