I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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