I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
