my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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