I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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