i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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