omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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