My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
bring money and cleavage
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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