the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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