think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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