Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
