so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
