Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
