You made me cry and you don't even care
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
