Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
