i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
