Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
