I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
