Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
