i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
