Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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