I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
