I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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