Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
