Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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