I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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