Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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