got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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