Your face is a jimmy john
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
