we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
