How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
