I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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