3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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