If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I cut my penus on the lid.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
